I shouldn't have taken all the cupcakes orders and cake pop orders that I did this week. I have 7 days to get Jake and the kids on a plane to Utah, I have 2 days before my family comes, I have 3 days before Jake's dad comes, and only 1 more day to have my family to myself in our home for the last time. This is the place I brought my newborns home. I darn near cried yesterday as someone came to buy our couch. Our first couch that we got as an excited married couple to be. We lived on that couch in our first 1 bedroom apartment...dinner, movie watching, crafting, cuddling... It was hard to see it go.
I wish I could just enjoy this next day, but I busied myself up. Big Mistake! I can't even wrap my head around everything I need to do. I should be wrapping myself around my kids and my husband.
Instead, Jake and I got into an arguement last night. I was upset. I wasn't really mad at him. I am just scared of everything that is changing around me. He wants me to be a stay at home and to be satisfied with that as my life calling. I also want to stay at home with my kids, but I don't want to give up everything else that fufills me. Yes.... I think being a mother is my #1 job. I want to raise my kids and teach them about God, about good, about choices. But, I don't know if it's the New Yorker or the type A personality, or the bit of italian blood in me, but last night it sounded like Jake was forbiding me to find a teaching job out in Utah, and I was freaking out about it. I felt like I was losing myself. I have worked my whole life, and not only just worked, but consumed my time in multiple things. I LOVE working because it fufills me. I love being around my students, around other adult, accomplishing tasks, and using my mind on a daily basis. I am so scared I am going to be unhappy and miserable making peanut butter and jelly everyday and humming Barney songs. Here in Baltimore I am a mom, a teacher, a wedding planner, cupcake maker, event coordinator for my church. I feel like I am so respected on so many levels. I will lose most of that when I move.
I know I will love being with my kids. I love those little buggers. But what will I do for myself? I know I will figure it out, but right now I am just emotional about it. All of it. Losing my kids and husband for 3 months, then losing my job and my friends.
Uhhh. I just need a good cry and to write this out and then I need to move on with it........