My Journey

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Losing My Mind, Losing Myself?

I shouldn't have taken all the cupcakes orders and cake pop orders that I did this week. I have 7 days to get Jake and the kids on a plane to Utah, I have 2 days before my family comes, I have 3 days before Jake's dad comes, and only 1 more day to have my family to myself in our home for the last time. This is the place I brought my newborns home. I darn near cried yesterday as someone came to buy our couch. Our first couch that we got as an excited married couple to be. We lived on that couch in our first 1 bedroom apartment...dinner, movie watching, crafting, cuddling... It was hard to see it go.

I wish I could just enjoy this next day, but I busied myself up. Big Mistake! I can't even wrap my head around everything I need to do. I should be wrapping myself around my kids and my husband.

Instead, Jake and I got into an arguement last night. I was upset. I wasn't really mad at him. I am just scared of everything that is changing around me. He wants me to be a stay at home and to be satisfied with that as my life calling. I also want to stay at home with my kids, but I don't want to give up everything else that fufills me. Yes.... I think being a mother is my #1 job. I want to raise my kids and teach them about God, about good, about choices. But, I don't know if it's the New Yorker or the type A personality, or the bit of italian blood in me, but last night it sounded like Jake was forbiding me to find a teaching job out in Utah, and I was freaking out about it. I felt like I was losing myself. I have worked my whole life, and not only just worked, but consumed my time in multiple things. I LOVE working because it fufills me. I love being around my students, around other adult, accomplishing tasks, and using my mind on a daily basis. I am so scared I am going to be unhappy and miserable making peanut butter and jelly everyday and humming Barney songs.  Here in Baltimore I am a mom, a teacher, a wedding planner, cupcake maker, event coordinator for my church. I feel like I am so respected on so many levels. I will lose most of that when I move.

I know I will love being with my kids. I love those little buggers. But what will I do for myself? I know I will figure it out, but right now I am just emotional about it. All of it. Losing my kids and husband for 3 months, then losing my job and my friends.

Uhhh. I just need a good cry and to write this out and then I need to move on with it........

7 comments:

  1. Ohh honey, everything is so up in the air at the moment because of all the changes. You will make the best choices for your family never fear? Just imagine all of the new exciting memories that are on their way!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know its a bit overwhelming right now but things will fall into place soon!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Moving in itself is sooo stressful. Once you guys get settled down, then worry about the stay at home or not. You'll be fine. HUGS!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. you are entitled to all those feelings. IF you start to feel stir crazy as a stay-at-home mom,, you will start up w/ the cupcake business (or wedding planning....or....something) again...just in Utah this time. Hang in there. So much is going on.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time! I know that you will make the best decisions for you and your family. I'm sure it all seems overwhelming right now, but you will figure it out. Even if you stay home you can still do a lot of those things you were doing before. It will just take some time. Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Change can be hard...but you will do just fine! Will be thinking of you...HUGS!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. If you know it's your calling to educate children, you have to do whatever you can to make sure you follow through. Even if that means taking a few years off to raise the kiddos to keep "the man" happy, then so be it. But make sure you talk about it and come up with a solution you can BOTH live with. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete